Why It’s a Bad Idea to Break Ties with Family Members Over Politics

Some mental health advocates say there should be "consequences" for "bigoted and selfish choices"

Dear Coddling Movie Community,

Family dynamics can get tricky, and it may feel good in the moment to shun siblings, parents, aunts, and uncles who vote the “wrong” way. But is that a sensible choice?

Michael Ziffra, MD

says no.

In this important and sobering essay, the psychiatrist and first-time TCM contributor pushes back against those who equate political disagreement with abuse.

For more from Michael, be sure to check out his new substack Wise Mind in Anxious Times.

All the best,
Ted

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An increasing number of Americans are severing ties with family over political differences, in particular over their votes in the recent presidential election.

An essay in TIME magazine, “How Estrangement Has Become an Epidemic in America,” quantifies the scope of the trend. Authors Joshua Coleman and Will Johnson note that of those Americans experiencing estrangement from a close relative, one in five identified political disagreements as a primary reason. Even in families in which no actual estrangement has yet occurred, political differences have strained relationships and created fear about the potential for rifts in the future.

Political disagreement in families is by no means a new phenomenon. However, with more Americans taking the dramatic step of completely severing ties with family, our society enters new territory. These rifts of course are unfortunate for the individual families. But they also create doubts about all Americans’ ability to have conversations about difficult issues and to tolerate disagreement.

The trend raises important questions. Is it ever a good idea to sever ties with family when they do not share your political priorities and values? What precisely does this achieve? Are there better ways to better handle these situations?

Not surprisingly, much of the recent media discussion of these familial schisms has focused on individuals opposed to Donald Trump cutting off their pro-Trump family. However, this is not a unidirectional phenomenon. Examples abound of more conservative individuals severing ties with liberal relatives after supporting Democratic candidates. This illustrates that people of any ideological persuasion can be tempted to pursue extreme measures in response to political differences.

But dissolving ties with family over political differences is an unhealthy and unhelpful approach (with rare exceptions).

Unquestionably, tensions are high in our nation due to our uncertain sociopolitical climate. Situations creating high levels of anxiety often cause people to respond in extreme ways to relieve that sense of stress. However, estrangement from family rarely solves any problems or makes us feel better in the long-term. Rather, it creates more troubles, and it precludes us from finding more effective ways to deal with our feelings of upset and disappointment.

Those Who Support Splitting

To my surprise, a number of professionals working in mental health have advocated this approach of cutting off family over political differences. One example that garnered much attention involved Yale University psychiatrist Dr. Amanda Calhoun. On a MSNBC talk show in November, Calhoun asserted that it is “completely fine” to not associate with relatives who voted differently from you. She intimated that merely spending time with family with alternative political views could actually be psychologically harmful.

Another noteworthy example is Jeffrey Marsh, a controversial online personality who offers “empowerment coaching” and posts regularly on issues related to mental health. Marsh posted on his social media an entire series of videos advising viewers to cut themselves off from family members who voted for Trump.

He explains that relatives should receive “consequences” for “bigoted and selfish choices.” At no point does he suggest that his viewers try to understand their relatives’ motivation for voting a certain way, or attempt to have a civil, honest conversation with their families.

When mental health advocates such as Calhoun and Marsh recommend that people cut ties with family over political differences, they are giving misguided advice that will likely hurt many in the long run. They justify emotional overreaction rather than helping individuals mindfully navigate a challenging interpersonal quandary.

Severing ties with family, for any reason, is a serious decision with impactful consequences. Usually it is extreme circumstances that warrant such serious actions — for example, experiencing repeated emotional abuse at the hands of your family. In such situations, distancing yourself from family is understandable and often legitimately necessary.

Otherwise, such estrangement needlessly deprives you and your family of connections that provide grounding and support.

Family Over Politics

Family ties are always important, but in these particularly stressful and uncertain times, the support of loved ones can be more meaningful than ever. Your family may not see eye to eye with you on every issue, but there still are many ways in which they can provide love and support on matters outside of the sociopolitical realm. Abandoning all of this to express political disagreement is unwise.

A variety of strong emotions may prompt a person to cut themselves off from family due to political differences — a perception of incompatible values, feelings of disappointment or anger, or even a sense of betrayal. These may be very real emotions, but one may be tempted to act on them rashly.

Yes, one might experience short-term relief or satisfaction from cutting off family. However, these rifts ultimately can cause long-term damages to your relationships. Bridges that are burned cannot be easily rebuilt. Imagine, after several years of estrangement, longing to reach out to a parent or sibling, but uncertain if they will want to rekindle the relationship with you because you have already cut them out of your life.

Addressing political differences through estrangement also makes familial relations transactional — an unhealthy way of approaching such relationships. Maintaining a relationship with a relative should not be considered a reward for voting the “correct” way. Conversely, you should not threaten separation as a punishment for the “wrong” vote. If you make a relationship contingent on the other person holding a certain set of political views, that makes for a poor foundation.

Abusing the Term “Abuse”

One particularly problematic aspect of the conversation on this topic is the frequent conflation of political differences with abuse. This is a common theme in Marsh’s videos, and in other online discussions on this topic. It must be emphasized that merely holding alternative political opinions does not constitute emotional or psychological abuse.

Yes, it can be very upsetting when a loved one does not share your opinions on a given political issue, especially one that you believe affects you personally in serious ways. When you believe that a loved one’s personal values are at odds with your own, strong feelings of disappointment and confusion can result.

Some may even experience this as a personal attack or betrayal, especially when a political candidate espouses policies that you believe would hurt you directly. However, as we mental health practitioners often like to tell our patients, feelings are not facts. A relative’s vote for a candidate who opposes your priorities could feel like an attack, but that does not necessarily mean that was the case. A subjective sense of being betrayed or personally attacked does not mean that this is what your loved one intended.

Angels vs. Demons?

This mindset also involves the distorted black-or-white thinking that I discussed in a previous piece (“An Anxious Nation on Edge”).

When the world becomes complex and uncertain, we often feel inclined to box people and things into stark categories. It can be cognitively appealing to lump everyone in the category of “supporter” or “enemy.” It can make things feel simpler. However, the reasons why a person votes for a given candidate are complex. No person is all good or all bad based on a single vote.

We see this black-or-white thinking in the language that Marsh uses in his discussions of these issues. The specific verbiage that Marsh uses highlights the flawed reasoning associated with his advice. The idea that relatives should receive “consequences” creates the idea that family should be punished for supporting a particular political candidate or cause.

In one of his videos, Marsh starkly brands a vote for Trump as “a vote against your humanity,” ignoring the many facets of why one may support a particular candidate or party. This line of thinking simplistically places every individual into a category of “all good” or “all bad” based on their political opinions, allowing for no nuance.

The recommendation to cut off loved ones is misguided for another reason: it teaches people to deal with interpersonal stress via a means that is psychologically unhealthy and impedes growth. Mental health experts recognize that avoidance is an ineffective way of dealing with anxiety and stress. Avoidance provides temporary relief from unpleasant emotions, but it merely delays our learning how to manage the stress (which will inevitably return). We tackle anxiety and stress much more effectively when we confront head-on what is causing these feelings.

If your family or friends have voted for a candidate that you see as being hostile to issues that are important to you, refusing to communicate with them accomplishes nothing and merely prolongs the impasse. You miss out on an opportunity to share with them your values and how you feel impacted by their decisions.

Meanwhile, you yourself do not get an opportunity to learn why they voted the way they did. This can provide you meaningful perspective and can help to alleviate any concerns that their vote was a personal attack on you. Ideally, there may be possibilities to find common ground on at least some issues. Even if this does not happen, you all at least will have taken the opportunity to have a mature, adult dialogue — which is a much healthier approach than avoiding any conversation.

In the best-case scenario, you and your family will have had a chance to have an open, honest discussion about your values and priorities. Ideally, all will arrive at a place of mutual respect. This will not happen in every family, of course. You and your family may ultimately conclude that it may be difficult to engage in political dialogue on an ongoing basis. In such a case, you may have to “agree to disagree” and leave such discussions off the table going forward.

These are situations that illustrate the utility of the “wise mind” that I discussed in a previous piece. It is important to recognize the range of emotions that arise when a loved one appears to hold values that are contrary to your own. Denying those feelings is not healthy and will likely be unsuccessful. However you should not let these emotions unilaterally dictate your actions. Acknowledge your feelings, but use your sense of logic and reason to choose actions that you will not later regret.

Families are Complicated

To be clear, my goal here is not to judge anyone’s individual choices. Family dynamics are complicated. There are many reasons a person may choose to have a distant relationship (or no relationship at all) with family. If you chose to step away from family because of relationships that were legitimately abusive or unhealthy, then you likely made an appropriate decision. However, it must be reiterated that merely holding alternative political views is not abuse.

Most Americans agree that our political discourse has become way too heated and contentious. The nation has become very tribalized, and too few have the desire to have meaningful conversations and relationships with those on the opposite side of the political divide.

Many of us yearn for days when people of different ideological orientations could have civil, respectful relationships. While no one single person can reverse this national trend, we can make a dent in it by making changes in in our personal lives. Being able to maintain dialogues and relationships with family — even when we don’t understand or agree with their political choices — is one step towards improving our nation’s discourse.

If your family has already experienced rifts due to political differences, I encourage you to consider how you are approaching the situation. Have you made good-faith attempts to have civil conversations with those relatives who do not share your views? Can you find ways to tolerate the feelings of disappointment you may have, while also remembering the positive aspects of your relationship?

In the moment it can feel much easier to just walk away, but putting in the work to have mature, meaningful conversations can ultimately yield much better results.

This essay first appeared in Wise Mind in Anxious Times.