Thank you again for having me publish here. This piece has been through many attempts to get accepted at other outlets and I'm proud to have The Coddling being the place where it finally lives. It's a very important one to me. Regardless of religious background, I hope others are able to find some takeaways too.
Happy to hear feedback and answer any questions as always!
The timing of this essay is perfect. A couple of weeks ago a few of us at my Anglican Catholic Church (aka really old school Anglicans) were working with one of our deacons on a five year plan to grow the church, writing mission statements and so on. One of the tasks what to write out why we joined the church.
Well. Two of the young women there wrote essays that reflected everything in this 'Stack. They described being given all the freedom in the world, but no guidance as to what to do with it. Just a warning sign in front of the dark cave of "traditonal values" not to go there.
Both of these women are in their early or late 20s, are married, have children, and are attending a fairly orthodox church. Are they repressed? Not even close. Respected (hence the essays for the committee), happy, and central to keeping our community going. When given the entire world of radical feminism they said no thanks, went the traditional route, and are leading full and meaningful lives.
I'm seeing more stories like this, in media and at my church. The radicals don't realize how much they've failed. I'm a little afraid of what they'll do when they find out.
I can almost feel my old community typing, "But they must have internalized misogyny..." Yes, some of us women DO genuinely, authentically want a "traditional" lifestyle. It also hurts how much radicals can blow the faults of religious groups out of proportion while simultaneously striking down anything remotely "stereotypical" in relation to the groups they prioritize. Where's anyone saying not to stereotype all Christians as bigoted monsters?
I'm very concerned about how much radicals ignore the damage. It's too easy for someone traumatized with nowhere else to turn to see right-wing radicalism as their only solution for solace. It's almost like making an army of zombies... Those in their own spaces are dropping and leaving for their worst enemies too deeply hurt to ever be recruited back, while those without the same baggage would be easier to shift the mindset of.
And I feel like a lot of people wouldn't be so spiteful of inclusion efforts/minorities if they didn't feel forced to self-censor to condemn the way they want to live. For instance, I've had many make negative comments at seeing gay characters in my fiction work... But I don't think this is entirely just senseless homophobia, rather, they are likely poorly articulating a pressure to include these characters that they can sense. (And for the record, that pressure was real for a while, and though I listen to it less now I'm also not recasting to prove a point again so the residue is still there.)
I haven't come across the concept of positive disintegration before but it sounds similar to Carl Jung and Friedrich Nietzsche's work. Nietzsche's idea of the Übermensch involves transcending societal norms and personal limitations to create one’s own values.
It's good that you've found a community you feel connected to and accepted by. It can take a lot of courage to make a move into a new community that many of your peers might not be tolerant of.
I always found it ironic that modern society values inclusively, yet many people feel increasingly isolated. While I'm not religious myself, It concerns me how as religion has declined in society, nothing has emerged that fills the role churches have as a centre of the community and a place of refuge and guidance.
Yes, Dabrowski does observe a lot of the same themes, they're usually quite popular.
I think the issue with inclusivity leading to isolation is that the efforts tend to focus so much on highlighting everyone's differences and pushing against social norms that it results in very little community or common ground. Especially because compromising in any way to fit in is scorned to an unhealthy extent.
Sure, I shouldn't be judging anyone for dying their hair or being a different race from me, but the idea that a friend doesn't have to make an effort to engage in the relationship because "that's just who they are" isn't going to make anyone feel more included. There are certain social behaviors we set as norms for good reason!
Wow, you made me cry with this phrase: "Sitting in a church pew, taking in what church was for the first time, the biggest thing I noticed was an incredible feeling of peace. It was magical." Because that is exactly how it is for me every time I step into a church. I just thought it was because of how I was raised (as a Christian) but now I see how transcendent the gospel really is. Thank you, ya little Genzie! ;)
Lovely. The deep connections we feel during choral reading and choral singing are, indeed, the essence of belonging. All the churches that tried to update services and modernize messages are empty now. For all their tragic historic blunders, Catholics have stayed the course and maintained full pews full of contented sheep. Thanks for this refreshing perspective.
Most of us don't have the willpower or levelheadedness to be leaders, and the best things are only accomplished by teamwork. I find sayings like, "The Lord is my Shepard" quite powerful. It's much healthier, more practical, and less stressful than pushing everyone to become their own version of the next Plato.
I was raised in the legalism of fundamentalist pentecostal churches, left for several years after marriage, then returned to raise my kids in a nondenominational church with Baptist roots. I left church altogether after experiencing horrific spiritual abuse in a new church last year after moving to a new community. This is my first Christmas without a church family and it's depressingly lonely. My parents left the Lutheran church for pentecostalism befire my birth and I am seriously considering visiting the Lutheran church down the street to see if a more traditional church community would help me heal. I've had my fill of nondenominational consumerism and therapeutic deism. Thanks for sharing your experience, Margo. It's encouraging.
Thank you again for having me publish here. This piece has been through many attempts to get accepted at other outlets and I'm proud to have The Coddling being the place where it finally lives. It's a very important one to me. Regardless of religious background, I hope others are able to find some takeaways too.
Happy to hear feedback and answer any questions as always!
another touching and important essay, Margo. well done!
The timing of this essay is perfect. A couple of weeks ago a few of us at my Anglican Catholic Church (aka really old school Anglicans) were working with one of our deacons on a five year plan to grow the church, writing mission statements and so on. One of the tasks what to write out why we joined the church.
Well. Two of the young women there wrote essays that reflected everything in this 'Stack. They described being given all the freedom in the world, but no guidance as to what to do with it. Just a warning sign in front of the dark cave of "traditonal values" not to go there.
Both of these women are in their early or late 20s, are married, have children, and are attending a fairly orthodox church. Are they repressed? Not even close. Respected (hence the essays for the committee), happy, and central to keeping our community going. When given the entire world of radical feminism they said no thanks, went the traditional route, and are leading full and meaningful lives.
I'm seeing more stories like this, in media and at my church. The radicals don't realize how much they've failed. I'm a little afraid of what they'll do when they find out.
I can almost feel my old community typing, "But they must have internalized misogyny..." Yes, some of us women DO genuinely, authentically want a "traditional" lifestyle. It also hurts how much radicals can blow the faults of religious groups out of proportion while simultaneously striking down anything remotely "stereotypical" in relation to the groups they prioritize. Where's anyone saying not to stereotype all Christians as bigoted monsters?
I'm very concerned about how much radicals ignore the damage. It's too easy for someone traumatized with nowhere else to turn to see right-wing radicalism as their only solution for solace. It's almost like making an army of zombies... Those in their own spaces are dropping and leaving for their worst enemies too deeply hurt to ever be recruited back, while those without the same baggage would be easier to shift the mindset of.
And I feel like a lot of people wouldn't be so spiteful of inclusion efforts/minorities if they didn't feel forced to self-censor to condemn the way they want to live. For instance, I've had many make negative comments at seeing gay characters in my fiction work... But I don't think this is entirely just senseless homophobia, rather, they are likely poorly articulating a pressure to include these characters that they can sense. (And for the record, that pressure was real for a while, and though I listen to it less now I'm also not recasting to prove a point again so the residue is still there.)
Hi Margo, thanks for sharing!
I haven't come across the concept of positive disintegration before but it sounds similar to Carl Jung and Friedrich Nietzsche's work. Nietzsche's idea of the Übermensch involves transcending societal norms and personal limitations to create one’s own values.
It's good that you've found a community you feel connected to and accepted by. It can take a lot of courage to make a move into a new community that many of your peers might not be tolerant of.
I always found it ironic that modern society values inclusively, yet many people feel increasingly isolated. While I'm not religious myself, It concerns me how as religion has declined in society, nothing has emerged that fills the role churches have as a centre of the community and a place of refuge and guidance.
Thanks for your comment!
Yes, Dabrowski does observe a lot of the same themes, they're usually quite popular.
I think the issue with inclusivity leading to isolation is that the efforts tend to focus so much on highlighting everyone's differences and pushing against social norms that it results in very little community or common ground. Especially because compromising in any way to fit in is scorned to an unhealthy extent.
Sure, I shouldn't be judging anyone for dying their hair or being a different race from me, but the idea that a friend doesn't have to make an effort to engage in the relationship because "that's just who they are" isn't going to make anyone feel more included. There are certain social behaviors we set as norms for good reason!
Wow, you made me cry with this phrase: "Sitting in a church pew, taking in what church was for the first time, the biggest thing I noticed was an incredible feeling of peace. It was magical." Because that is exactly how it is for me every time I step into a church. I just thought it was because of how I was raised (as a Christian) but now I see how transcendent the gospel really is. Thank you, ya little Genzie! ;)
Lovely. The deep connections we feel during choral reading and choral singing are, indeed, the essence of belonging. All the churches that tried to update services and modernize messages are empty now. For all their tragic historic blunders, Catholics have stayed the course and maintained full pews full of contented sheep. Thanks for this refreshing perspective.
Most of us don't have the willpower or levelheadedness to be leaders, and the best things are only accomplished by teamwork. I find sayings like, "The Lord is my Shepard" quite powerful. It's much healthier, more practical, and less stressful than pushing everyone to become their own version of the next Plato.
I was raised in the legalism of fundamentalist pentecostal churches, left for several years after marriage, then returned to raise my kids in a nondenominational church with Baptist roots. I left church altogether after experiencing horrific spiritual abuse in a new church last year after moving to a new community. This is my first Christmas without a church family and it's depressingly lonely. My parents left the Lutheran church for pentecostalism befire my birth and I am seriously considering visiting the Lutheran church down the street to see if a more traditional church community would help me heal. I've had my fill of nondenominational consumerism and therapeutic deism. Thanks for sharing your experience, Margo. It's encouraging.
Crossing the Tiber is a thrilling adventure. Welcome!