Does Motherhood Have to Be a Horror Show of Safetyism and Victimhood?
Tracking kids to save them from danger, calling out moms for “racism,” and reading a novel that celebrates murdering white men
Thanks to
, we’ve all read about the many ways the “safetyism” mindset is ramping up parental anxiety about children’s physical well-being.Children must be supervised every waking second in case they break a bone or cut their finger. If they can’t be within viewing distance, then we must track their every step with smartphones and other devices.
After all, threats are everywhere!
And now as mothers, all our free time away from our kids won’t be filled with nourishing activities such as chatting with friends or reading a book, or even productive activities like getting errands completed. Instead, we focus on our phones to see where our kids are.
Wonderful.
Thanks to Lenore and her first book Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow, I am more of a free-range parent. My 11-year-old son doesn’t have a phone or tracking device. He just wears a $10 wristwatch.
He takes his bike to the creek or nearby springs or wherever with his friends. They’ve even gone to a local Rita’s for Italian ice on their own. My son knows he must be home in time for dinner, which is usually 6:00pm.
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When Friends Aren’t Free Range
I recently experienced tracking craziness with a friend who happened to be over with her 11-year-old son Johnny. Her son has his own phone. My son and two friends, one of which was Johnny, were over at my house. Johnny’s mom was also over to hang out with me. Great! We can chit chat without interruption since the kids will be out and about.
The boys were headed to the creek, but Johnny didn’t want to bring his phone because his shorts didn’t have pockets. But Johnny’s mom was hesitant to let him go without his phone. Friend #2 Bobby did have his phone on him and did have pockets. Johnny’s mom then proceeded to input Bobby’s number into her phone and turn on location sharing with Bobby.
Is this normal and okay for parents to do this? Sounds like stalker behavior.
Johnny’s mom and Bobby’s mom are friends and they have their own playdates together so it wasn’t that weird. But I did tell Bobby’s mom via text later (somewhat jokingly) to have Bobby block Johnny’s mom in the future because both Bobby’s mom and I believe Johnny’s mom needs to land her ‘copter.
And I don’t understand why she is like this with her third and youngest son. Her middle son, only two years older, does his own thing, stays home alone all the time, mows the lawn and walks the dog. Her oldest son is sixteen and autistic, but still takes the bus by himself and has a lot of independence. I never see her worry or fret over her first two sons.
Thanks to Jonathan Haidt and Jean Twenge, we’ve seen the data on how social media is negatively impacting young kids, especially girls. The more time girls spend on social media, the more likely they will be depressed. I would emphasize that those girls they studied in the late 2010’s are now mothers who are still strongly influenced by social media which is affecting their parenting negatively. I would argue that social media creates more parenting anxiety. I’m sure we could draw a direct line from parenting behaviors of mothers to their social media patterns — what groups and pages they follow, which posts and comments they like.
Also by LB
Social Media Doesn’t Discriminate
More recently,
looked into whether social media is beneficial for marginalized groups. Twenge examined data on black and Hispanic female teens versus white teens. And she found that it wasn’t at all beneficial. Irrespective of ethnicity, heavy users of social media are more likely to be depressed than light users.I’m not sure if I would categorize myself as from a marginalized group.
Those weird societal rules are always changing. I am a second generation Korean-American woman raised in an intact family home by immigrant parents who had white-collar jobs. Does that make me privileged and white-adjacent or did I inherit some immigrant trauma? I was a total latchkey kid from age five so did that make me fiercely independent or did I suffer trauma from neglect?
Although I was one of only a handful of Korean kids (from only three families) in my entire elementary school, I didn’t feel like an outcast. We attended a Korean church so I saw plenty of people who looked like me on Sundays. Does that count as being raised in a “diverse and tolerant” town? Or do I harbor a childhood filled with microaggressions from normal 80’s name-calling and classmates not knowing where the heck Korea is.
South Korea is just a tad bigger than Indiana. I can hardly pinpoint where Indiana is on the map now, so I can easily excuse a third grader in 1986 not knowing where South Korea is on the globe.
When I became a mother, social media apps were just gearing up.
I only had a few websites and mommy blogs to follow from my laptop, but none of the many platforms available today where so many strangers can comment and answer your parenting questions in real time straight to your phone. To prepare for childbirth, I actually checked out a DVD from the library to learn about the process! Today, mothers-to-be can watch any and every birth video in the palm of their hand.
So fortunately, I never got into the habit of checking the toxic social media hive to second guess every parenting decision I made. But when I moved towns when my son was two, I joined an online Korean moms group to find playmates and programs in the area. It didn’t help me find anyone to meet up with in person. I found live friends the old-fashioned way, just by being out and about and reaching out in person. But the online group did share some parenting hacks and travel tips to Korea, so I stayed in the group.
A Generational Divide
The Covid lockdown exploded the number of members as well as new moms joining online. Now the group consists of both Gen X and Millennial mothers and I see a clear difference in parenting concerns. Gen X mothers like Johnny’s mom do focus on physical safety, but use social media to post pictures when their kids win awards, go on cool vacations, get into a great college, or just graduate fifth grade.
Millennial mothers, specifically mothers who perceive themselves to be in a marginalized group, seem to carry the additional burden of focusing on preventing any slight landing on their precious children. Millennial mothers might post seeking a WWYD or AITA? Or they may simply want justification for their hurt feelings. They like to show the world that they or their children suffered and they are angry!
Their biggest concern is creating a world for their kids where any sort of racism or injustice is avoided. And if it is experienced by their children, they go into full mama-bear mode and their view of the world (or maybe just America) is darkened even further. I’d like to emphasize that although this group consists of Korean mothers from all over the US, the majority of these women live in coastal cities that lean heavily left.
The protagonist interpreted racism and trauma everywhere, especially from men. She had a particular penchant for killing white males with blue eyes.
Here is an example of a recent post asking the group for feedback on what the poster deemed a potential harmful situation:
The original poster shared a photo of her kids with some friends using a tie-dye kit to dye some shirts. Because it started pouring rain, they had to do the messy activity indoors. The OP texted her friend the photo to share about the wild afternoon indoors and exclaim “what was she thinking!” by letting them do tie-dye inside the house. In the shared photo, the kids are posing making typical hand signs, like peace signs and heart signs, next to the messy table full of dye and crafts.
Her friend’s response to the personally shared picture: Oh boy that’s one unruly bunch!
OP: I caught one just in time before she used the dye as a squirt gun!!
Her friend: Oh god, how many years of your life did you just lose?
OP: Next time, I’m checking the weather forecast!
Her friend: Check their criminal records too!
That last statement caused a record scratch in OP’s mind, which prompted her to post on the group for confirmation bias.
OP: Am I reading too much into this exchange? I shared a photo with an acquaintance and let’s just say she’s not going to be on my share list anymore. What the heck!!! At first I didn’t know what she meant by unruly bunch because they were just posing for a photo but now, after her last message, I know I suppose.
The group of kids pictured could be on a college brochure. The OP kids are half-Korean and what we call blasian. There is one white kid and some black kids also in the photo. It looks like an MLK Jr. dream afternoon to me.
The post got nearly 100 responses. Here are some of the responses from the toxic social media hive:
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