The Socialization Benefits of Homeschooling: Free Play
We shouldn't assume traditional schools give kids what they need
The pediatrician's response wasn’t surprising.
“Are you enjoying school?” he asked our nine-year-old son in between the usual poking and prodding of an annual checkup.
“I don’t go to school,” our son responded cheerfully. “I’m homeschooled.”
“Oh?”
Even behind his mask, my wife and I could see the concern in the doctor’s face. Now we were the ones who would get poked and prodded.
“I hope he’s getting to see other kids.”
“Oh yes!” my wife responded.
She then launched into her prepared remarks and specified all the state-and-doctor-approved ways our son spends his time.
“And what’s your favorite subject?” the doctor asked our son.
The question gave my wife a chance to take a breath. Then she wound down her defense, as I peppered in additional details. We watched the doctors’ eyes relax. We had passed the test.
Making Assumptions
I try to avoid getting defensive in such situations. As interrogations go, it was mild. And although homeschooling is becoming more common, it’s still not mainstream. It’s natural for doctors to be a bit more concerned about homeschoolers.
Natural, but is it sensible?
If my son had simply mumbled something about school, the doctor probably wouldn’t have probed further. Notice the assumption: If the patient is in school, he’s being socialized properly.
But why assume that?
Yes, we could all point to many well-adjusted schoolkids, but are those kids well adjusted because of school?
In some cases, yes. But in other cases, those kids may be well adjusted despite school.
Consider the traditional school model—direct instruction, nearly constant adult supervision, age segregation, timed periods devoted to discrete topics, and so on. It did not emerge as the victor in some evolutionary process that pitted all educational models against each other. It was created for political reasons and it persists for political reasons. Today political reasons are why experimentation and innovation in education lags other fields.
Why assume, as the pediatrician apparently did, that the traditional school model earned its status as the default “preferred” model? Indeed, there are many reasons why homeschooling delivers socialization benefits.
Today I’ll focus on free play.
“Excellent” (Steven Pinker, Harvard psychologist), “Terrific” (Michael Smerconish, CNN), “Great. Important. Eye-opening” (Chris Gore, Film Threat)
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What Counts as Free Play?
Children love to play, but they also need to play.
“Free play is the main way that young mammals learn how to become old mammals. Mammals have to play with each other, and they play as much as they possibly can. Kittens, puppies, squirrels, children.” So says NYU social psychologist Jonathan Haidt in The Coddling of the American Mind, a feature documentary I directed, which is based on the bestselling book by Haidt and
.Drawing on the work of pioneers like psychologist Peter Gray of the Play Makes Us Human Substack and my friend
(who heads up Let Grow), Haidt and Lukianoff point to the erosion of free play as a big reason for the dramatic rise in anxiety and depression among Gen Z.And free play isn’t just exercise. Soccer practice doesn’t count as free play. Neither does ballet.
To truly engage in free play, children must be free from adult supervision. Mom and dad may hang around at a distance, but they may not assume the role of cop or judge. They may assume the role of lifeguard. If someone faces serious danger, adults may intervene. Otherwise stay under the umbrella.
Related
Children must organize the games themselves. They must have the freedom to play or not. And don’t let the squeals and laughter fool you, they’re engaged in serious business. They’re learning how to be civilized.
If there’s a dispute, they can’t run to a teacher or a parent to fix it. They must control their tempers, pacify the warring factions, and persuade the parties to cooperate. After all, the stakes are high. If they fail, no more hide and seek.
Free Play for Me, But Not for Thee
Ask people who are Gen X or older about their childhood, and they’ll be delighted to regale you with tales of creeks, frogs, secret forts, skinned knees, and scuffles. But we parents are often hypocrites. We enthuse about our free range childhoods, yet insist on supervising nearly every minute of our children’s lives.
I’m one of the worst hypocrites.
I enjoyed a rather free-range childhood, complete with dirt clod wars on the walk back from school. And today I’m immersed in an environment of work projects, colleagues, and friends where I regularly see the benefits of free play. Yet something inside of me still screams, “Protect!”
Free play has waned in recent decades, and school is a big part of the problem. Children are spending more time at school—mostly inside and under adult supervision. Recess offers a little more freedom, but schools have been cutting back on recess and worming their way into after school hours with more homework.
Today the familiar routine is for children to go from adult-controlled school to adult-controlled soccer practice (or similar) and return home for adult-controlled homework.
I find it hard to let go, but I know I must. Homeschooling helps.