When my son was five, my husband signed him up for our local youth hockey club, but when the first season rolled around I added some conditions: He was only allowed to practice with the team twice a week and no weekend games. I refused to let our weekends be ruled by a youth hockey game schedule where we have to set our alarms for a 7:00 am game. I also wanted my son to just love playing without focusing on the results of a game.
By the next season, my son wanted to play in all the games with his teammates. I relented. There were still early mornings, so if my husband could take him, I opted to stay home for peaceful coffee time. When my husband was away for work and hockey duty landed on me, I confess that I skipped an early morning game because the rink was an hour away. My son’s team had a second game later that afternoon so I figured I’d just make the second one. Back then, I didn’t realize yet how fanatical youth sports parents could be.
This phase was “mite” hockey, which is eight and under (8U). They don’t even keep score! (Well, officially they don’t, but every parent actually keeps score and reports back to the kid.) Kids play on only one half sheet of ice. You watch a swarm of kids chase around a puck, but the kids are barely able to skate. It’s usually just one or two kids scoring all the goals. No one passes. Each kid is out for themselves, which is developmentally normal for a six year old, and parents are screaming… screaming when their kid scores. It is the most demented thing I’ve seen. And this scene plays out in every youth sport across the country. The younger the athletes, the more enthusiastically the parents are cheering their future Olympian.
When I saw the coach at the rink for the afternoon game, he asked, “Where were you this morning? We could have used him.” Really? Was it the Stanley Cup?
But I did feel a bit guilty. I didn’t want my son to think I didn’t care.
In high school I was on my varsity tennis team and my dream was to play junior tennis. My immigrant parents had no clue about youth sports. They only allowed me to play because it’s one more thing I could add to my college application. Our girls’ tennis team went undefeated my senior year. Neither of my parents went to a single match. They have never watched me play tennis… ever. So with this micro-trauma tucked in my mind, I resolved to at least take my son to all his hockey games. Whether I would watch them is a different story. After all, I had another two seasons of 8U hockey to survive.
Youth Sports is Big Business
The Varsity Blues scandal highlighted the absurd amounts parents would pay to get their child into elite colleges. That pales in comparison to the amount of money parents are throwing into youth sports. Last season, a Tier 1, 12U (AAA) hockey team in my state was asking $30,000 per player per season. The team practiced once a week for several hours. The other days, players had to find their own private training and pay for that as well.
It was the only Tier 1 team in the state so many parents took the bait. A second Tier 1 team started last season, but it was three hours away. I know of several families that made the three-hour drive twice a week for practices.
Full disclosure: When that second Tier 1 team started, I did wish we lived in that part of the state. I’m not immune to the delusional dream that if my son were on a AAA team, the rest of his hockey career would be set. But we didn’t live close by so I had a decision to make. Luckily my frugal immigrant side reared its head and said, “No way are we traveling to all those out-of-state, stay-to-play tournaments!” For a single out-of-state tournament, a parent-child duo can easily shell out $3,000 for airfare and hotel.
My son went to his first out-of-state tournament at 12U and it was his only out-of-state tournament that season. Last season he went to two with his AA team. This season, at 14U, he will be going to three out-of-state tournaments. I feel that is a natural, normal progression. I’m shocked that parents are flying all over the country for their 8U players.
And this isn’t just a hockey problem. After speaking with other parents, I’ve learned that the cost of having kids in dance, cheer, lacrosse, and baseball can be the same or more.
Label Inflation
Like many sports, youth hockey organizes teams into different levels: AAA, AA, A, B, C. When my son hit 10U hockey, we had moved to a different state and he joined the closest team. I didn’t care what level the team was. My son just wanted to play games and meet kids. Before the 10U season started, the team coach and manager scheduled a zoom call to go over the season.
“Our state’s hockey association is changing the divisions. So now we have A-orange, A-black, and A-white. Our team will play in the A-orange division.”
What in the world do those colors mean?!
The state’s hockey association decided that the previous policy, labeling divisions A1, A2, or A3, could lead to hurt feelings. A2 is code for B, and A3 is C level or “I’m not very good and should be in rec league but my parents like to pay for travel.” Players and parents figured it out pretty quickly. Orange was A. Black was B. White was C. I wonder how much they paid the DEI consultant for this genius idea.
It’s not enough that we have rampant grade inflation in K-12 and college, now we have to deal with it in youth sports too. Today parents don’t just chase Ivies, they also chase youth sports letters (AAA). Who cares about actual player development – let’s just get Johnny on that AAA team!
The grade inflation has bled into tournaments too. I know this because this season I reluctantly agreed to be team manager for my son’s hockey team, and I’ve spent many hours researching different tournaments. Today you can find not just AA and AAA teams only, but also “Elite- AAA” or “Super AAA.” WTF.
Youth Sports is Full of Gavins
Let’s talk about Gavin.
Last season was the first time my son played with Gavin. He is what author David Epstein would call a “fast riser.” Our youth sports culture loves fast risers and reaffirms behaviors that don’t serve their athletic (or character) development. (Epstein has a great video summarizing this here.)
Gavin was a tad faster than his peers at the 8U-12U level, so naturally he hogged the puck. He tried to shoot as much as possible because he thought he was the only one who could score and thought he knew better than the coach. Gavin isn’t a team player. He is quick to blame others if something doesn’t go right, and Gavin is also very coddled.
Once we had two regular season games on a Saturday at a rink three-and-a-half hours away. Some players drove the night before and some left at 6:00 am to make the 11:00 am game. Parents try to avoid hotel costs when possible and, even at junior hockey, players are bussed back home. The journeys take hours and kids might not get home till the middle of the night.
Gavin is a player who needs his beauty sleep and prefers not to rush his gameday process (his dad told me this). So dad booked a hotel for the night before, but discovered his truck had a flat tire when it was time to leave. Gavin wasn’t having it. He didn’t want to make the early-morning drive the next day. How could he play in those conditions?
There are many sane solutions to this predicament. See if someone else is leaving later that day. Call another teammate for a ride for the next morning. Get a rental car for the next morning. Instead, dad booked an intrastate flight to get to the rink the night before. The cost for two tickets: $800.
While Gavin’s parents are generally very lovely people, during hockey games his father can be intense. It’s clear he puts a lot of pressure on Gavin. But it’s also clear that Gavin is made to believe nothing is ever his fault. His dad showers him with affection before and after games. Even if the team played well and won but Gavin didn’t score, dad will console him afterwards. That’s because Gavin would be crying. There is no crying in hockey!
Gavin would cry on the bench if he didn’t score during his shift. And I hate to say this, but he wasn’t the only 12-year-old boy crying on the hockey bench. My son moved from an A to a AA team last season and I assumed the players would be more mature because they are used to the competition. I thought they would be more disciplined, harder workers, and better team players — what one would characterize as an elite player.
I was wrong. They were more fragile. They were used to winning a lot, so when it got harder to win, they broke down. Everyone around them is catching up and they are facing adversity they aren’t used to.
In this interview, Epstein addresses the “fade-out effect” of many physical and cognitive skills in young children:
Peers catch up to those kids that thought they were superstars because they happen to be a bit faster and a bit more coordinated at age nine, and their parents put them on a pedestal. Then at 12, when all their teammates are surpassing them, it’s not pretty. They boast. They cry. They don’t work hard because they never had to before. Their stats keep dropping. They blame everyone but themselves. The parents blame the coaches, teammates, or refs.
What’s the Goal: Winning or Development?
During my son’s second year of 10UA (orange!), his team won the state championship. Yet it was the worst year developmentally for my son. The coach made him play left-wing the entire year, even after my son asked if he could play a different position sometime. There was no having kids try a variety of positions to see what they like or are naturally good at. The entire team had the option of passing to only two players so these two players (centers) could score. The coach fostered a “win at all costs” approach. He wasn’t interested in developing all the players as a team. Some players barely played because the two “superstars” stayed on the ice for so long. Even though they won the championship, some promising players quit travel hockey that year because it was such a bad team experience.
My son’s first year of 12UA (orange!) was the best developmentally for him. He got to play defense and center. My son discovered he is a natural defenseman because he can skate backwards pretty well. He got to try out more positions since he was a stronger player than many of his teammates. He wasn’t instructed to pass to just one or two players the whole time. This coach didn’t really bench anyone but made sure everyone got ice time.
Although this team had a losing season, my son enjoyed a better experience by improving a lot as a player. And, just as important, he got over the feeling of losing. He didn’t crumble or start to hate hockey because the team had a losing season.
No Time for Other Sports
My son used to be engaged in flag football, baseball, and archery, as well as hockey. But this year is the first year he’s only playing hockey. And the hockey season does not end.
I’m a little conflicted about this 100% hockey-focus, but all his peers seem to be doing more off-season hockey events than he is. In addition to multiple out-of-state summer tournaments, some have signed up for a sleep-away hockey summer camp.
The pressure on parents to give their budding athletes every advantage is immense. And organizations take advantage of our FOMO. Youth sports is the new college prep. Parents are banking on this route so Johnny can get into college, and maybe Johnny can earn back some of the money mom and dad spent with newly-available NIL deals. And coaches, teams, camps, athletic schools, and tournament organizations are cashing in. I wouldn’t be surprised if some type of athlete-financing emerges as an extension of the student loan industry.
Back to This Season
I’m excited to see how the upcoming season plays out for my son because at 14U, USA Hockey finally allows checking. Checking = hitting, and my son likes to play physical. I see my son as more of a dark horse, a late bloomer, or what Epstein calls a “slow baker.” An example of a slow baker is Connor Hellebuyck, Olympic gold medalist goalie for the USA Men’s hockey team and recipient of the Vezina trophy, Hart Memorial trophy, William H. Jennings trophy, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. All these awards were received after he turned 30. Epstein discusses fast risers versus slow bakers in this video. Our culture rewards the fast risers when in fact we need to support the slow bakers.
This year at 14U coincides with a peak growth spurt year so we have players ranging between five feet small to 6’3” tall in the same division. We also have players ranging from 90lbs to 180lbs. Now I will watch all my son’s games for sure. He’s usually one of the bigger kids. And to be honest, I’m curious to see how all the Gavins fare with checking. They may end up being ineffective perimeter players who are afraid to get hit.
Let the games begin.
I think if parents can look at sports. sports teams, travel sports teams as prep for life then we have a great avenue to model, teach and grow-up from within for kids. Yes, get them to collage on a sports ride or partial sports ride AND use sports as a avenue for I count you count/ I am 50 percent of a relational moment; you are 50 percent of a relational moment PLUS get the task done and play well with others. Then we are activity helping kids to successful over a life time. WIN WIN :)