Olivia Wilde: Women Are Taught to Apologize for Their Existence

Is sexism the main reason why there aren't more female film directors?

The world is awash in film festivals, so if you run one how do you make sure yours stands out?

You lure celebrities with the promise of money, lifetime achievement awards, and gushy interviews where they can pontificate about current events. One surefire way to get butts in seats is to promise guests they can see someone like Olivia Wilde.

Variety takes us to one such event:

As one of a handful of actresses in Hollywood who have successfully crossed over into directing, Olivia Wilde claims one of the reasons for this small number was the messaging given to children when they express an interest in cinema.

“I think for many young women, when we love movies as little girls, we’re told, ‘Oh, you should be an actress,” she said, speaking at the Red Sea International Film Festival in Saudi Arabia. “I think when little boys say they love movies, people say ‘You should be a director.'”

Citation needed, Olivia.

The actress-director thinks people say that to little boys and girls, but do they really?

No doubt some do, but is that the main reason there aren’t more female directors? And let’s back up a bit, because the Variety article mixed two somewhat different things. It begins by noting that Wilde is one of a handful of actresses who has made a successful crossover to directing, so let’s address that point first.

I could just pop off on my own, as I’m a director and technically a former actor. But I’m not a good actor. I’m also not a narrative film director. Or a woman.

So I decided to consult a talented former actor turned narrative film director, who also happens to be a woman. And my wife. (We’re still married even though she fired me from what would have been my first feature film voice acting gig.)

My wife and producing partner

Courtney Balaker

has directed celebrated names such as Catherine Keener, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jeanne Tripplehorn, David Crosby and plenty of highly snobby actors on Off Broadway and at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London. Her next directing gig, and our next production, will be Troubled: The Movie.

After working in the business for more than 20 years, Courtney and I have seen that acting attracts a certain type of person. You’ll be shocked to discover that actors tend to be very narcissistic. In fact, narcissism is almost a requirement. Actors must know exactly how they look from every angle and in every emotion. If they want to succeed, they must be relentless self promoters to a degree that would make Instagram influencers blush.

Of course, plenty of directors are also narcissistic self promoters, but the average levels of intensity are very different. Directors enjoy far less adulation per movie (everyone knows who stars in their favorite movies, few know who directs them). And actors enjoy more frequent dopamine hits (they can appear in many movies in the time it takes a director to finish one).

Here’s another big difference — directing usually requires much more hard work than acting. That includes psychological and emotional hard work (dealing with producers, execs, and especially actors!) as well as simply logging many hours alone or nearly alone (such as being in a dark room with an editor). In short, directing is a different kind of job that attracts different kinds of people than acting.

Catherine Keener and director Courtney Balaker on the set of Little Pink House

What We Tell Kids

Now let’s return to Wilde’s big-picture thoughts.

She says that when little girls love movies, people tell them to be actresses but when little boys love movies, people say, “You should be a director.”

Courtney and I have been around many entertainment industry families, and that’s not what we’ve observed. I’m not saying it never happens, and our anecdotal evidence doesn't prove much. But neither does Wilde’s vague assertion.

What does seem to be the case is that most little kids can usually name relatively few professions. They know what a teacher does—and a doctor, firefighter, and cop. “Actor” also makes the short list.

Wilde comes from a rather atypical family, one that sounds as Upper West Side as it gets: Dad was an editor at Harpers, mom was a producer at 60 Minutes. One of her babysitters was Christopher Hitchens! (Why hasn’t she directed a movie about that?)

Surely, those kinds of influences exposed a young Olivia to many kinds of professions. Even so, she says she’d already decided to be an actress by age three.

Maybe three-year-old Olivia dreamt of being a real thespian and performing at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival for little money and acclaim. Or maybe she was like so many other little humans who loved the idea of being adored.

The System

Wilde spies systemic sexism:

I think we need to raise women to believe that they are allowed to take up space, that they’re allowed to be leaders. It’s difficult to run a production, and it’s difficult for men too. But as women, we’re sort of told that we should, in many ways, constantly apologize for our existence. And as a director, you can’t do that.

Who is telling women they should “apologize for their existence”?

It doesn’t seem like Wilde’s parents would have raised her that way. Courtney certainly wasn’t raised that way. And culturally speaking, America has been telling little girls they can be anything they want to be for decades. You see it all over Hollywood, to the point where the “strong female lead” motif makes even Emily Blunt’s eyes roll. Women have overtaken men in doctorates and many high-status fields, such as medicine, are growing increasingly female.

And if Hollywood is sexist, it’s a peculiar kind of sexism.

Women dominate various film industry fields, including casting. Women seem to be very well represented in related fields like network news, where producers do what directors do in the film world. And Hollywood doesn’t seem terribly fearful of female power. Apart from a handful of superstar directors, the most powerful person on set is usually the A-list lead actor or actress.

No doubt Hollywood used to be far more sexist.

One of Courtney’s mentors and former bosses is Penelope Spheeris, one of the first women to helm a major studio film (1992’s Wayne’s World). Penelope said she had to prepare more thoroughly than her male counterparts because producers and others remained suspicious of female directors. Courtney experienced her share of sexism, especially when she was starting out in the 2000s. But she also acknowledges a great deal of progress.

Witness the many labs, grants, and programs that target female directors and it seems clear that these days the industry is especially eager to celebrate women filmmakers.

Defining Progress

So why aren’t there more female directors?

Well, how many should there be?

We rarely receive a straight answer. In fact, the question is rarely asked at all. Whatever Wilde’s ideal percentage is, it’s clear the industry hasn’t reached it yet. But she shouldn’t be so quick to blame sexism. Maybe, like academia, long standing sex ratios will gradually reverse. Or maybe we’ve already made more progress than Wilde would care to acknowledge.

After all, why should we define progress by some arbitrary figure that might not reflect women’s free choices?

Ask boys and girls what they want to be when they grow up, and you’ll hear some overlap, but you’ll also hear plenty of differences. Often celebrities’ and activists’ hopes and dreams for women don’t really match women’s hopes and dreams. Maybe most women would rather pursue careers other than directing.

Is Wilde willing to acknowledge that what she wants for women might not be what women want for themselves?

Ted Balaker is a filmmaker, and former network newser and think tanker. His written work has appeared in many publications including The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Reason, and The Washington Post.

His recent film work includes Little Pink House starring Catherine Keener and Jeanne Tripplehorn, Can We Take a Joke? featuring Gilbert Gottfried and Penn Jillette, and the new feature documentary based on the bestselling book, The Coddling of the American Mind, by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. Stream the very first “Substack Presents” feature documentary here on Substack or on Amazon Prime, Apple TV, and Google Play.

Ted and his wife/producing partner Courtney Moorehead Balaker are now making a narrative feature film based on Rob Henderson’s bestselling book Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class.