How Risky Play Fights Childhood Anxiety

And why we should do *less* for kids

Photo by Darla Bethea on Unsplash

Maybe you remember a time you scared yourself as a kid. You climbed higher than you expected, or went further into the forest, or agreed to a dare. Believe it or not, those experiences — not crazy risks, but mildly scary activities — were a shot in the arm against anxiety.

That’s the thinking now: Risky play can provide some protection against childhood  anxiety by accustoming kids to the bodily feelings of fear. The sweating. The flushing. The palpitating heart.

All those are natural responses to something scary or hard. But if you don’t get used to this “state of arousal,” as the scientists call it, you can misinterpret normal jitters as harbingers of catastrophe. And when you feel that way about everyday activities – say, going to a birthday party, or starting a new school year – anxiety can start constricting your life.

50% of Anxiety Disorders Start Before Age 11

“Adventurous Play as a Mechanism for Reducing Risk for Childhood Anxiety: A Conceptual Model” is the mouthful title of a 2021 paper by Helen Dodd and Kathryn Lester in England. They propose that “when children play in an adventurous way, climbing trees, riding their bikes fast downhill and jumping from rocks, they experience feelings of fear and excitement, thrill and adrenaline.”

Because those feelings happen in a happy context, kids get used to dealing with the uneasiness of uncertainty. And because half of all anxiety disorders get their start before age 11, according to the authors, the sooner kids learn to cope with some “ambiguity” – the discomfort of not knowing how something will turn out,  which is at the heart of risk – the more chance of nipping anxiety in the bud.

All Mammals Engage in Risky Play

The study’s authors are quick to add that anxiety has a lot of causes. Genes play a role, as do life circumstances, including poverty and violence. Parental fears probably do, too. Obviously, worried parents are going to hold their kids back more. That has its own impact.

Nonetheless, risky play is something that all mammals engage in. By doing so, the authors say, the animals not only learn to be nimble and quick, they also learn to ‘’avoid emotional overreaction during unexpected stressful situations.” They’re learning how not to freak out when faced with thunder, or fire – or a foe.

They’re doing this by instinct, which means human mammals may be doing something similar. The authors quote Let Grow Co-Founder Dr. Peter Gray, who says that when kids play without adults directing them, they “deliberately put themselves into fear-inducing, vulnerable positions in their play…testing their own fear as well as their physical prowess.”

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“Excellent” (Steven Pinker, Harvard psychologist), “Terrific” (Michael Smerconish, CNN), “Great. Important. Eye-opening” (Chris Gore, Film Threat)

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Feeling Afraid and Excited—That’s the Point

I remember feeling that mixture of fun and fear pretty much anytime I played tag. It was scary to be hunted by “It.” And it was scary to be “It,” because the whole world was against you.

But if engagement with fear can work psychological magic, avoidance is its evil twin. When you avoid something you’re afraid of, you go from feeling aroused with fear at the thought of it – quaking, shaking, goosebumps — to bathed in relief because you’re avoiding it. Your body comes to associate avoidance with the dramatic change from terrified to terrific, even when the thing you’re avoiding – perhaps giving the waitress your order – is not actually dangerous. That “avoidance high” is addictive. It hardens into anxiety.

If, on the other hand, you take the risk, your body experiences “fear extinction.” The scary thing loses its power and fear dies off – or at least abates.

But Isn’t Risky Play Dangerous?

Parents and schools worry that risky play is too — wait for it! — risky. But the fact is, “medically treated injuries during children’s play are very rare,” according to the report. For kids ages 6-12, there are 0.15 to 0.17  injuries per 1000 hours of kid-led play, versus 0.2  to 0.61 injuries per 1000 hours of organized sports. Meantime, risky play is making kids mentally healthier.

The real health risk seems to be a no-risk childhood.

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Be sure to check out Lenore Skenazy’s nonprofit Let Grow and her much-loved book Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow.

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A Headmaster Asks Parents (and Himself) to Do Less

“What if the ways in which we are parenting are making life harder on our kids and harder on us? What if by doing less, parents would foster better outcomes for children and parents alike?”

That’s the question posed by Georgetown Day School head of school Russell Shaw in this Atlantic piece. It is the question we ask pretty much every day at Let Grow.

Kids React When WE React

Shaw gives an example from real life that will get most parents nodding their heads: When his son was little and fell if Shaw acted nonchalantly, the boy dusted himself off and continued playing. If Shaw reacted like he’d just seen a tractor-trailer plunge off a cliff, the boy would wail.

Similarly, when his son got older and told his dad that a classmate was being mean, Shaw managed to stop himself from jumping in. (Kudos!) Instead, he just asked his son what he was planning to do. Replied the sensible child (who also probably grew up hearing his head-of-school dad talk about all the parents yanking his chain), “I decided not to hang out with him for a while.”

Win/win! Kid solves problem – and dad does not.

Those two things go together.

It’s Hard to Watch Kids Struggle! (So don’t watch)

Of course, Shaw does not endorse parents leaving their kids alone in a pit. (Though that did work out remarkably well for Moses.) But his sensible advice – give kids more space to make their own fun and solve their own problems – is excellent to hear from a school leader.

It’s his 30 years of experience in education that allows him to say with confidence: Yes, it’s hard to watch our kids struggle. But that is part of the parental remit.

Two Simple Solutions.

At Let Grow, we add two ideas:

1 – Since it IS so hard to watch our kids struggle…let’s not watch them quite as much. Step back, so kids step up.

2 – Any school can help parents do this by simply assigning the (free!) Let Grow Experience. It’s a homework assignment that tells kids to “Go home and do something new, on your own, WITH your parents’ permission, but WITHOUT your parents.” It gets kids activated and out in the world.

It also gets parents a little de-activated, so they can see for themselves just how capable their kids can be without them. It is generally joyous (and often revelatory) for BOTH generations.

Here’s a school in Vegas doing The Let Grow Project (also below). If it inspires you, ask your own school to consider it!